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» Yuri's Christmas List

Preface: Well, he may be a psychotic Machiavellian villain, but even Yuri needs Christmas presents. So while he's away plotting his revenge on the PS2 format, (You know it's going to OWN the X-Box) I took the liberty to bring you - Yuri's Christmas List.

Microsoft Strategic Commander 5. The Microsoft Strategic Commander

Yuri may have super psychic powers that can make any person do as he says, but even he has trouble controlling the masses of units involved in a Red Alert 2 battle. So, to help him maintain discipline throughout his ranks of brutes, Yuri has asked Santa to bring him this little gizmo, courtesy of the Bill Gates Empire The strategic commander claims that it will improve your RTS so much, you should say you're using one before playing online. Likely; I pay around £50 to improve my Red Alert 2 or Starcraft control and they expect me to tell the poor sod on the other end - No. Moving on swiftly….

Yuri's Favourite Toy!?

4. A Brigade of T-80 Main Battle Tanks

To put it mildly, the Lasher tank isn't very good. To put it truthfully, it's utter crap. Poor armour and ammo make it meat even for the Allied grizzly tanks. To remedy this, Yuri has paid a visit to Kazakhstan and bought up a few of these ex-Soviet beauties. Explosive reactive armour, a big ass gun and "precision" Soviet engineering make the T-80 one of the best tanks in the world. Combine this with Yuri's infantry and economy; the net result - A force which could bring the world to it's knees. How Santa will get it down the chimney we'll never know.

3. A Trip to NSA Headquarters

Yuri hits NSA! I've seen "Enemy of the State" and I therefore know that "Oz" from Buffy works for the NSA. Taking that route however, and you also assume that the NSA spy on us with live video feeds from dozens of Spy Satellites and tiny wireless cameras on buttons. Of course, they wouldn't do that - Wouldn't that break the Yankee constitution… Yuri doesn't care about that though, he would just prefer the technology the NSA have locked up in that big shiny building. That and the fact that with those things coming out of his head Yuri would probably fit in with the rest of the cloned geeks at NSA HQ.

The Human Genome!2. An Advanced copy of the Human Genome

Yuri's Genetic mutator is nice - Very nice. Laugh as those Guardian GI melt into brutes, or as your hundreds of slaves are metamorphosised into brutes and sent off to the grinder. But after a while, the effect is old, and you want something else, maybe mutating the people into Yuri clones, or into virus snipers, or a mix of the few. With this priceless piece of research in his hands, Yuri will dominate the world, while our own scientists are left wondering why they spend 20 years on a project that was stolen at the last moment by a megalomaniac.

Smooth Criminal?

1. An Hugo Boss Suit

Sorry, but Yuri's kinky leather jacket is well past it now. While Comrade Trotsky would have approved, (For those of you who know who Trotsky was that is) I certainly do not. President Dugan gets a suit, General Carville gets a Uniform, and Yuri gets an all in one leather boiler suit. I don't care if he is taking over the world - Do it in style man! A nice HB Jacket and Trousers, complemented by a Pierre Cardin Shirt and Tie. Really, he should be able to afford it with all of those slaves of his.

» Jim

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